V Day

Happy V Day, everyone.

I’m sure we all have the same picture in our head of what a display of love means.

It’s probably a big gesture, with large bouquets of roses, fancy dinners, gifts, and then maybe a theater performance to watch after.

Valentine’s Day is a social creation – one designed to make you value things that are bought from vendors, food ordered from restaurants, and a dedicated commitment of romance.

But I’d like to remind everyone that love isn’t about any of those things. It’s about being present. It’s about listening and truly seeing each other. It’s about choosing, for another day, to be with someone else.

It can be platonic, asexual, or romantic love. It can be between friends, family, partners, pets, and/or yourself.

Love is more than a once-a-year event. It’s not sighing every time your partner leaves their clothes on the floor, even if the hamper is two feet away. It’s cleaning the hair out of the drain even when you’re not asked to. It’s listening to them talk about the Overwatch League when you’re not really that interested in it. It’s dropping everything, at least for a moment, to say “Hi” when they come home. It’s sending smiley emojis, making sure they’ve eaten today, stocking the fridge, taking out the trash, watching the baby, watching the Baby Shark song for the tenth million time. Love is a choice you make to be there as much as you can.

Love is about showing up.

Who can you show up for today?

Rockin’ It

When I was back at Berkeley, I remember writing a slam poetry piece called “Master of the Pool,” which is basically a celebration of people who are so comfortable with their bodies, they hang out in a Speedo with a hairy pot belly, a porn-stache, mullet, and aviator shades, and just walk around owning the pool.

Now, nearly a decade later, as I steadily progress into my mid-thirties as someone who interacts with people in their early 20’s, I start wondering about what it means to be fashionable in “old” age (specifically, old age for college kids).

I’m also a big proponent of teal hoodies. So much that I have two of the exact same hoodie (with my logo printed on the back) that I swap out. I often wonder about how my students see me. Am I a walking fashion nightmare, or a cool, hip professor? Mind you, perhaps I’m extra conscious about this because some of my students are fashion design students, I am an semi-professional model, and also I remember being teased due to ill-fitting clothing back when I was younger.

Regardless, I came to the realization today that it’s really about your state of mind. If you feel like you’re fashionable with some crazy outfit, you can probably pull it off.

Confidence goes a long way, and I think it’s the sole determination whether or not you can pull off an outfit.

I’m sure that somewhere out there, someone will somehow make wearing socks with Tevas fashionable.

Posture

It’s hard to be empathetic with customers who are wrong.

They blame you for not sending you information (that you sent), or are acting on assumptions with emails tell them otherwise (that they didn’t fully read). They get angry because a product isn’t working correctly, when the actual issue is that they’re operating it incorrectly.

But that said, no one is 100% wrong, or 100% right.

Maybe they have a learning disability, so your 2- paragraph email would take too long to digest for them. Maybe they’ve never used your platform before, or if they have, they personally don’t find it unintuitive. Maybe it is their fault that their lives are such that they aren’t used to reading things for themselves. Maybe they just didn’t want to process the information that might put them in the wrong.

Usually, angry/upset/asshole customers are acting out because they’re in a deep sense of shame…they bought a service or a product, and it’s not working for them. They probably suspect it’s their fault, otherwise they wouldn’t be making a huge stink about it.

At worst (best?), they understand that it is not for them, and they’re frustrated and in pain, because they took a chance and want to be treated with the dignity and respect everyone deserves, but their own failings are making it seem like they’re too stupid, or incapable of using it properly, or that they’re an outsider – someone this thing isn’t for.

Regardless, we can take the posture of understanding, or the posture of getting upset and lashing back out. We can see them and their pain, do the emotional labor, and see them as people. Or, we can let their pain transfer to us, spit in their coffee, and push them out the door.

It seems like it’s more work to take the posture of empathetic individual, but when we take on their pain and give it back, they’re in more pain, you’re in pain, and you both will sit with that for longer than you would if you had moved on. It’s actually MORE work to retaliate than it is to forgive and seek to understand.

This does not mean I advocate for taking abuse from customers. Set your boundaries, and if you need to fire a customer, fire a customer. However, there is a way to do this with grace and respect, and a way to do it that shuts people down.

Which method will you choose?

How can we better express anger?

After watching True Detective Season 2, I can’t help but think about a defining moment for one of the main characters, Ray Velcoro.

If you watch episode 1, I’m not spoiling anything, but as the audience we find out that Ray’s partner had been raped, and Ray goes out to his underworld connections to find out who had done it.

From the rest of the episode, we see the explosive violence Ray is capable of.

This type of portrayal isn’t a reach for a lot of men, who have likely seen this explosive anger from themselves (and if not themselves, from other men). Certainly, pop culture has shown us the problematic trope of the traumatized man whose rage explodes through verbal or physical violence at the drop of the hat.

It’s good entertainment, because it creates tension and fear. It’s problematic for real life, as most men never learn how to express anger otherwise.

When I started writing this, I wondered, “How DO you express anger or rage safely?” I’m not the Hulk fighting Thanos – I’m just upset that I dropped a bowl of soup, or I rolled poorly in skeeball league night.

And then I realized – it’s two things.

1. Learn the difference between your other emotions and anger.

Are you actually angry, or are you experiencing shame? Or frustration? Or fear? Disappointment? Anxiety? Nervousness? Embarrassment? Often what feels like anger or rage is being upset at another emotion that’s really underplaying it all.

If you’re performing poorly in a competition, you’re probably disappointed at yourself. You might be embarrassed you did so poorly in front of your friends or partner. You might be upset that you didn’t win, or that you weren’t able to overcome the obstacle.

Think about the words you’re saying to yourself, and stop and think if you’re really angry, or if angry is just the go-to response for what you’re feeling.

2. Try to express it with words, and without shouting.

I still have trouble with this.

I’ve lived my whole life where men shout angrily at sports competitions. Where people scream at televisions when their team makes a bad play.

But screaming never solves anything. It traumatizes those around us. Even worse, it normalizes screaming as an acceptable behavior.

Talking it out forces you to take a breath, and realize that throwing a chair or punching a wall isn’t helping anyone. Screaming at people doesn’t motivate them, it just makes them fear you, which doesn’t bring out the best in anyone (think of all the movie villain henchmen who turn on their bosses once the boss makes a slipup – maybe Palpatine wouldn’t have been thrown into a reactor core if he wasn’t such a shithead to Vader).

Talking it out isn’t easy, as it feels like it’s the more awkward option than screaming in frustration. But it’s the choice we need to start making.

We also need to change the culture to support this. So be a friend and if someone is trying to vent their emotions in a healthier way, lend ’em an ear and give them the support they need.

Multiple Truths

If you’re at all concerned with self-improvement, or if you’ve ever tried to look up how to do anything on the internet, there is tons of conflicting advice out there.

Who is right?

The biggest trouble with seeking advice, is that (most) everyone is well-meaning. They talk about what they know, because that’s what has worked for them. The problem is that sometimes a key part of their life that makes it all work doesn’t work for other people.

Example: Health guru tells you to eat more protein, and lean chicken breasts are the way to go.

But what if you are vegan and allergic to soy?

Example 2: Successful person tells you that you need to get your Master’s degree to get taken seriously.

But what if you can’t afford a Master’s? What if your industry doesn’t even care about degrees (ie. most creative fields)?

The point I’m making is that there are multiple truths. It’s true that for me, my degree doesn’t really matter. But if you’re looking to be a doctor in the developing world, it definitely matters.

Even then, I’m making assumptions about your worldview and circumstances. I’m assuming you want a steady job, a medical license, and have morals. You COULD be a unlicensed doctor for gangs who helps criminals get patched up after a shootout, and you have no problem working for criminals or taking blood money from them.

So regardless, when you’re trying to sift through all of the advice out there, you need to make sure that the advice makes sense FOR YOU. Your specific circumstances, worldview, ethics, preferences, background, etc. etc.

Most people aren’t trying to lead you astray (except the cheats and liars out there), so remember that multiple truths exist, and the tough part is that it’s up to you to figure it out.

True Detective, S.2

In preparing for True Detective Season 3, having skipped S2 due to hearing it was terrible, I wanted to go back and check it out (yes, I’m aware S3 has started, but I can’t deal with waiting week to week once I start a series, so I’m waiting to binge the whole thing.)

Now, I just finished watching True Detective, Season 2, and while I heard it was a big letdown from S1, I do and don’t agree with the teardown.

Is it a good detective story? Not really. I’ll be the first to admit that the plot isn’t super amazing, and it’s hard to keep track of what happened to whom, who went where, etc. etc. The entire plot of the corruption and why the main murder first happened at all is what kept me watching, but it’s not crafted as well as it could have been.

That said, this show is NOT about the plot. This season is about people, the traumas that define them, and what it looks like to either remain the same, or become a different person.

It’s a show about attachment. It asks who we are when all the material things are slipping away, and what is really important to us. It forces us to look deep within ourselves and ask “If I were them, would I really have done anything different?”

It questions toxic masculinity, sexism in the workplace and in Hollywood, and even in sexual misconduct workshops. It questions whether the ends justifies the means, and how what we are afraid of asking is often the question that will set us free.

Do the long, moody shots where actors are acting with their eyes boring? Maybe. Perhaps it’s my bias as a coach that I see that silence and tension as a key component to getting at deeper understandings of the self. Maybe the show was good for me, and not for others.

Either way, I liked it, and am looking forward to both rewatching Season 1, as well as waiting for Season 3 to finish so I can start watching it daily.

Designer Con 2019

So I just paid for an artist’s table at DesignerCon for November!

I’ll be bringing a crapton of pins (I’ll have probably 20 new pin designs since the show last year), and I’ll be trying to bring waaaay more sculptural stuff.

The big goal is to have a vinyl toy in hand by the show, but at the very least I wanna get down with more resin stuff. Resin monsters! Huzzah!

At the very least I’ll have some custom little dude like this guy here that I’m working on:

Hope to see you there!

San Francisco

I read this article on Medium the other day.

Besides the amazing writing here, (a great read on friendship, what it means to be a non-techie in the Bay, and California migration,) it really makes me wonder why I haven’t moved out of SF yet. Partially, it’s because it’s has the highest concentration of my close friends. Partially, it’s because I have rent control, and there’s a feeling of not wanting to give that up.

But I suspect a lot of it is about fear. Fear about finding a job in a new city without a local network like I have here. Fear about it having enough animation/tech opportunities for Eve. Fear that any placeholder jobs I take will not be enough for me to make my massive student loan payments every month.

I believe in a new world of entrepreneurship and the ability to work remotely, but sometimes I think the industries we work in aren’t getting the memo, or I’m afraid that I don’t provide enough value to get those opportunities.

I do long for a space large enough to invite friends over to play board games, but if I move somewhere new and out of state, who will I invite? But then again, how often do I actually get to hang out with my friends in person anyway? (Ouch).

Something I think about as well that I don’t see others reflecting upon is what it’s like for a hyper-liberal POC to think about moving. Everyone calling for tech to move to random spots in the Midwest – yo, am I gonna get killed out there because I get into an argument about trans rights with someone? Hell, I get nervous travelling within California outside of major cities.

Anyway, I’m here for now. But for how long? Who knows.

Sooooooooo, I’m technically in Seth Godin’s blog again…

Totally unofficial ad I made at an attempt to increase diversity in the program

If you head over to Seth’s blog, there’s a video over there that I (super briefly) appear in.

Regardless, you should go and check it out and see how the altMBA is changing people’s lives.

Also, we need more diversity in this! I mean, the guy who opens this is one of the most amazing humans ever, and the coaching staff is like >50% women, but where my other levelling-up POCs at?

Frank and Lilith are on sale


Frank and Lilith

Okay, so here’s my totally authentic post about being inauthentic.

Until Saturday, I’m running a 30% off sale (use code VDAY) on my two pins, The Monster and Lilith over at my shop www.evilpin.club/shop. I figure, if you want a cute couple pin set, then snag this one. TBH, I’ve even given this pin set to a couple before.

That said, my true self has to at least post about why these two should NOT be an icon of love. If we look back to the original Bride of Frankenstein movie, it really sort of devalues the bride into a plot device (not untypical of films in 1935..or even today, sadly).

So I get that the Monster was never named, and so it makes sense that the Bride wasn’t given a proper name (the role is of “The Bride of the Monster”), but at least the Monster is his own thing, while the Bride is only in context of her intended relationship to the Monster.

Also, the Bride never shows any interest in the Monster. She literally screams in terror and repulsion, causing the Monster to kill Praetorius (one of the creators), himself, AND HER. WTF. This is classic murder suicide (which is domestic violence at its worst), and super not cool. Just because she’s a reanimated corpse who doesn’t like you does not mean you should be able to kill her.

Anyway, I decided to give the Bride a name, so I named her Lilith, after Adam’s first wife, who left his sorry ass after she wouldn’t stay submissive to him.

So all that said, if you still want to buy these pins in a weird, “I-think-I’m-romantic-but-actually-reinforcing-unhealthy-relationship” sort of way, then please, take your discount, and purchase away.

Pro-tip: you can buy the pins individually, and the discount still works.

Copyright © Dandelion by Pexeto