Friendly With Fear

We all want to feel less scared. We all want to have more confidence, to be fearless, and to believe in ourselves. We want to feel validated, and protected, and safe.

The thing is, you’re never going to be fearless. You’re never going to completely get rid of self-doubt, and you’re never going to be worry-free. You’ll always going to want validation even when you cognitively recognize that you don’t want to need validation. You’re always going to get hurt by insults, criticisms (even if unfounded or irrelevant), and the nature of trying to play a larger game is that you won’t be safe.

There are a lot of things to be afraid of, and you’re never going to stop being afraid.

The messed up thing about life is that it’s not about eliminating fear or worry – it’s about learning to live with it, and acting as if it wasn’t there.

How might we change our behavior if we understand that fear is a necessary part of the process, and that we need to learn to dance with it instead? If fear will always be here, then will you let it hold you back from doing more?

Dealing with Rejection

It’s easy for us to judge ourselves when people reject us. Whether it’s not buying our product, to someone making a snide comment about your hair or outfit, to being laid off, when we’re told “No,” it can feel devastating.

Believe me, I get the pain. I had a pretty soul-crushing interaction on Friday that completely knocked me out of the game until Monday, and now almost a week since my last post, I’m finally back in it.

Rejection hurts. Public rejection seems especially painful, as all of your pain and your ideas of what you’re lacking are shown for others to see. It’s sort of humiliating.

But we have to remember – we can’t go judging ourselves by everyone else’s standards. We don’t ask fish to climb trees, squirrels to survive in the ocean, or snakes to juggle.

At the end of the day, even if you’re trying your best, remember:

It might not be for them.

YOU might not be for them. Your gifts to the world aren’t for everyone. We can’t force anyone to love us or what we do or how we do it. All in all, it might just be a mismatch, so learn to forgive yourself and start looking for who you are for.

Leadership

I think that most people can get a group of people to a goal if necessary.

You can bribe, shout, punish, cajole, deceive, or seduce your way to a short term goal.

I don’t think that makes you an effective leader, however, as you’re not really leading anyone, you’re just getting people to get a job done by any means necessary.

Yelling only works for so long before people start sabotaging work or leave. Bribes only work until they can figure out how to get the money without doing all of the work. Lies can work – until the tangled web of lies becomes too complex and it all comes apart.

I think that true leadership involves a lot more work – it involves enrolling people in your vision. You can’t merely pay people off – you have to truly see them and their hopes and dreams and fears, and then align those with that of the larger group. True leadership is where people are willing to continue to ship project after project, and are willing to follow along for the long term wins.

It’s empathising with every team member, and uniting them, even if they disagree or don’t like each other or the project.

I would also bet that if you can do this effectively, you’ll find the amount of rancor and discord within the group to lessen.

So. Are you ready to step up and lead?

Falling Behind, Catching Up

Guh, so I skipped four days of posting.

I realize that I have a very distinct choice.

One voice in my head is chastising me for messing up. It’s telling me that I need to be a professional. That true writers and thought leaders don’t let things get in the way. If I really want to make a difference, I need to ship. ever. day.

It’s telling me that it shouldn’t be surprised. I don’t follow through with anything. I’m terrible with commitments, and I need to get my goddamn adult life together.

There’s lots of “should”s and “I told you so”s. There’s disappointment, anger, regret, shame, and embarrassment.

There’s another voice in my head that’s telling me that missing stuff is part of life. That I was sick and slept through most of Sunday. That it’s about building a habit, not being perfect.

It asks what does being overly strict accomplish? It questions whether it’s about making sure I blog every single damn day, or whether it’s about building a habit of putting words on paper and creating something new out of nothing.

There’s warmth, love, compassion, forgiveness, and support.

I’m fortunate that I have the time, space, and training to be able to hear the different voices, and so I get to choose what voice to listen to.

Thanks, blog, I missed you too. See you tomorrow.

Limnic eruptions

Lake Nyos, where a limnic eruption killed over 1,700 people.

Today I was reading about limnic eruptions. These are huge CO2 eruptions that displace air and can kill people and animals, suffocating them within minutes of the eruption. Interestingly enough, these occur from lakes.

That’s right, lakes. If a lake is meromictic, meaning it doesn’t naturally mix itself, it can build up lots of CO2 in it’s colder, more pressurized bottom layers. Then, if something triggers it, the CO2 basically explodes like a shook-up can of soda and displaces air, rapidly suffocating people within the blast radius.

While this is all the makings of an awesome horror mystery (it’s already swirling in my head of how to work this into an Evil Pin Club story or a film or comic or something), it made me think about diversity.

The more and more we’re exposed to different people from different backgrounds and different ways of thinking and living, the better off we are. It’s creating a more inclusive world view.

I’d argue that it’s less about being a “coastal elite” that makes coast cities (SF, Portland, NYC, etc.) more progressive, but that due to the high level of international travel and immigration, people living in these zones are exposed to more diversity.

It’s much more difficult hating a group of people when you know people within that group. I would venture that the more one is exposed to new ideas and different ways of living, the more one begins to wonder how much truth stereotypes actually have, and then can begin to deconstruct those beliefs and start seeing others as real people.

Just as a lake is more dangerous when it just sits there, we all are more dangerous and more intolerant the less we experience other ways of living.

V Day

Happy V Day, everyone.

I’m sure we all have the same picture in our head of what a display of love means.

It’s probably a big gesture, with large bouquets of roses, fancy dinners, gifts, and then maybe a theater performance to watch after.

Valentine’s Day is a social creation – one designed to make you value things that are bought from vendors, food ordered from restaurants, and a dedicated commitment of romance.

But I’d like to remind everyone that love isn’t about any of those things. It’s about being present. It’s about listening and truly seeing each other. It’s about choosing, for another day, to be with someone else.

It can be platonic, asexual, or romantic love. It can be between friends, family, partners, pets, and/or yourself.

Love is more than a once-a-year event. It’s not sighing every time your partner leaves their clothes on the floor, even if the hamper is two feet away. It’s cleaning the hair out of the drain even when you’re not asked to. It’s listening to them talk about the Overwatch League when you’re not really that interested in it. It’s dropping everything, at least for a moment, to say “Hi” when they come home. It’s sending smiley emojis, making sure they’ve eaten today, stocking the fridge, taking out the trash, watching the baby, watching the Baby Shark song for the tenth million time. Love is a choice you make to be there as much as you can.

Love is about showing up.

Who can you show up for today?

Rockin’ It

When I was back at Berkeley, I remember writing a slam poetry piece called “Master of the Pool,” which is basically a celebration of people who are so comfortable with their bodies, they hang out in a Speedo with a hairy pot belly, a porn-stache, mullet, and aviator shades, and just walk around owning the pool.

Now, nearly a decade later, as I steadily progress into my mid-thirties as someone who interacts with people in their early 20’s, I start wondering about what it means to be fashionable in “old” age (specifically, old age for college kids).

I’m also a big proponent of teal hoodies. So much that I have two of the exact same hoodie (with my logo printed on the back) that I swap out. I often wonder about how my students see me. Am I a walking fashion nightmare, or a cool, hip professor? Mind you, perhaps I’m extra conscious about this because some of my students are fashion design students, I am an semi-professional model, and also I remember being teased due to ill-fitting clothing back when I was younger.

Regardless, I came to the realization today that it’s really about your state of mind. If you feel like you’re fashionable with some crazy outfit, you can probably pull it off.

Confidence goes a long way, and I think it’s the sole determination whether or not you can pull off an outfit.

I’m sure that somewhere out there, someone will somehow make wearing socks with Tevas fashionable.

Posture

It’s hard to be empathetic with customers who are wrong.

They blame you for not sending you information (that you sent), or are acting on assumptions with emails tell them otherwise (that they didn’t fully read). They get angry because a product isn’t working correctly, when the actual issue is that they’re operating it incorrectly.

But that said, no one is 100% wrong, or 100% right.

Maybe they have a learning disability, so your 2- paragraph email would take too long to digest for them. Maybe they’ve never used your platform before, or if they have, they personally don’t find it unintuitive. Maybe it is their fault that their lives are such that they aren’t used to reading things for themselves. Maybe they just didn’t want to process the information that might put them in the wrong.

Usually, angry/upset/asshole customers are acting out because they’re in a deep sense of shame…they bought a service or a product, and it’s not working for them. They probably suspect it’s their fault, otherwise they wouldn’t be making a huge stink about it.

At worst (best?), they understand that it is not for them, and they’re frustrated and in pain, because they took a chance and want to be treated with the dignity and respect everyone deserves, but their own failings are making it seem like they’re too stupid, or incapable of using it properly, or that they’re an outsider – someone this thing isn’t for.

Regardless, we can take the posture of understanding, or the posture of getting upset and lashing back out. We can see them and their pain, do the emotional labor, and see them as people. Or, we can let their pain transfer to us, spit in their coffee, and push them out the door.

It seems like it’s more work to take the posture of empathetic individual, but when we take on their pain and give it back, they’re in more pain, you’re in pain, and you both will sit with that for longer than you would if you had moved on. It’s actually MORE work to retaliate than it is to forgive and seek to understand.

This does not mean I advocate for taking abuse from customers. Set your boundaries, and if you need to fire a customer, fire a customer. However, there is a way to do this with grace and respect, and a way to do it that shuts people down.

Which method will you choose?

How can we better express anger?

After watching True Detective Season 2, I can’t help but think about a defining moment for one of the main characters, Ray Velcoro.

If you watch episode 1, I’m not spoiling anything, but as the audience we find out that Ray’s partner had been raped, and Ray goes out to his underworld connections to find out who had done it.

From the rest of the episode, we see the explosive violence Ray is capable of.

This type of portrayal isn’t a reach for a lot of men, who have likely seen this explosive anger from themselves (and if not themselves, from other men). Certainly, pop culture has shown us the problematic trope of the traumatized man whose rage explodes through verbal or physical violence at the drop of the hat.

It’s good entertainment, because it creates tension and fear. It’s problematic for real life, as most men never learn how to express anger otherwise.

When I started writing this, I wondered, “How DO you express anger or rage safely?” I’m not the Hulk fighting Thanos – I’m just upset that I dropped a bowl of soup, or I rolled poorly in skeeball league night.

And then I realized – it’s two things.

1. Learn the difference between your other emotions and anger.

Are you actually angry, or are you experiencing shame? Or frustration? Or fear? Disappointment? Anxiety? Nervousness? Embarrassment? Often what feels like anger or rage is being upset at another emotion that’s really underplaying it all.

If you’re performing poorly in a competition, you’re probably disappointed at yourself. You might be embarrassed you did so poorly in front of your friends or partner. You might be upset that you didn’t win, or that you weren’t able to overcome the obstacle.

Think about the words you’re saying to yourself, and stop and think if you’re really angry, or if angry is just the go-to response for what you’re feeling.

2. Try to express it with words, and without shouting.

I still have trouble with this.

I’ve lived my whole life where men shout angrily at sports competitions. Where people scream at televisions when their team makes a bad play.

But screaming never solves anything. It traumatizes those around us. Even worse, it normalizes screaming as an acceptable behavior.

Talking it out forces you to take a breath, and realize that throwing a chair or punching a wall isn’t helping anyone. Screaming at people doesn’t motivate them, it just makes them fear you, which doesn’t bring out the best in anyone (think of all the movie villain henchmen who turn on their bosses once the boss makes a slipup – maybe Palpatine wouldn’t have been thrown into a reactor core if he wasn’t such a shithead to Vader).

Talking it out isn’t easy, as it feels like it’s the more awkward option than screaming in frustration. But it’s the choice we need to start making.

We also need to change the culture to support this. So be a friend and if someone is trying to vent their emotions in a healthier way, lend ’em an ear and give them the support they need.

Multiple Truths

If you’re at all concerned with self-improvement, or if you’ve ever tried to look up how to do anything on the internet, there is tons of conflicting advice out there.

Who is right?

The biggest trouble with seeking advice, is that (most) everyone is well-meaning. They talk about what they know, because that’s what has worked for them. The problem is that sometimes a key part of their life that makes it all work doesn’t work for other people.

Example: Health guru tells you to eat more protein, and lean chicken breasts are the way to go.

But what if you are vegan and allergic to soy?

Example 2: Successful person tells you that you need to get your Master’s degree to get taken seriously.

But what if you can’t afford a Master’s? What if your industry doesn’t even care about degrees (ie. most creative fields)?

The point I’m making is that there are multiple truths. It’s true that for me, my degree doesn’t really matter. But if you’re looking to be a doctor in the developing world, it definitely matters.

Even then, I’m making assumptions about your worldview and circumstances. I’m assuming you want a steady job, a medical license, and have morals. You COULD be a unlicensed doctor for gangs who helps criminals get patched up after a shootout, and you have no problem working for criminals or taking blood money from them.

So regardless, when you’re trying to sift through all of the advice out there, you need to make sure that the advice makes sense FOR YOU. Your specific circumstances, worldview, ethics, preferences, background, etc. etc.

Most people aren’t trying to lead you astray (except the cheats and liars out there), so remember that multiple truths exist, and the tough part is that it’s up to you to figure it out.

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